It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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