i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
