Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
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I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
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i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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