Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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