i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
