You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
