I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
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Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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