grandma shit on top of the toilet
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
