Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
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