im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
