He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
