I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
