When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
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I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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