Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
