I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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