and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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