My underwear smells like fireworks.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
