you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
