Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
