Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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