chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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