I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
