He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
