I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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