I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
