The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
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