so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
