Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
