I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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