my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
