But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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