It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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