My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
