If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.