I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...