This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
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Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
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I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out