Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van