I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
