Hey man sorry I got all grabby
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I want you more than these girls want KFC
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
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