1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
