He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
