drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
50% drunk capacity currently
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
