I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
