so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
