I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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