the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
