Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
