i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
