please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
