I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
