I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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