The maid of honor just puked.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
