The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Watching her eat just hurts me
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize