So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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