I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
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I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
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Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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