New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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