1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
