he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
