dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
