I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
its not stalking. its research.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
