I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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