If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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