I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
