Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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